An Offer of Thanksgiving: My Multigenerational Home

I lived with my mom until I was thirty-five, married, and had two children. Dan and I had tried to make good of it on our own after we married, but fate stepped in and felled a giant oak tree on our house during Hurricane Jeanne, nearly cutting it in two perfect halves. I was pregnant with Hayden then, and we had no choice but to move in with my mom. I was twenty-four then and had only been out of the house a little less than a year since our wedding. However, even that statement is a stretch. Dan worked overnight as a security guard at an assisted living facility, and I felt safer sleeping in my old bedroom at my mom’s most nights when he was gone.

We decided to sell what was left of our house and stay with my mom. It made sense. We had a baby on the way, and we were in college, working towards our bachelor’s degrees. I was not working due to complications with the pregnancy, so we also would benefit financially from living with her until we were in a better place. Although we spent a brief period on our own while living with my mom, we resided with her for nearly a decade.

During our time cohabitating with my mom, I felt a deep shame that I hid from everyone. The American dream makes us all believe that when you turn eighteen, you will move out of your familial home and become an “adult,” if you don’t, you will be a failure as a human and an American. Of all my friends, I was the only one still at home. Furthermore, to make it worse, I had a husband and children! It was a heavy load I carried on my shoulders.

Looking back now, I wish I could tell my younger self that my burden of shame was unnecessary. Multigenerational homes are the norm in most corners of the world. The US is the outlier for multiple generations residing in a single home. In some Indian cultures, the newly married couple is expected to live with the husband’s family after the wedding. Asians, Hispanics, and Africans all see multigenerational homes as typical. Even European countries embrace multigenerational homes more than the US does. Moreover, even though the US has seen an increase in multigenerational homes, we still lag behind the rest of the world.

The “American dream” has failed us. The multigenerational home makes sense on so many levels. The village mentality has always proven to provide security and strength. Many minds and hands make light work. There is more financial security in the homes of many workers. However, our society in the States tells us that strength comes from “making it on your own” as an adult and that we must “leave the nest” to be able to fly on our own. If you could not do that, you were a failure, a freeloader. We have media compounding the issue with movies like “Failure to Launch,” where people who live at home beyond the acceptable age are seen as oddballs, weirdos, and sad sacks. Even the recent relaunch of Gilmore Girls poked fun at the Thiry-something crowd who all had to move back home. They are made into a subspecies of humans. Something to be made fun of, laughed at, and pitied.

This idea of striking out on one’s own and leaving behind the home has also made us a society of isolation. We miss out on the rich experiences of being close to our family members passing on the stories and traditions of our generations. We lack the strength in numbers that provide security and support. Without my mom, I would not be where I am now. I would not be a highly educated college professor with five degrees and a book deal. Dan would not be a successful operations manager with an advanced degree. We would never have been able to achieve our dream of buying land and starting a homestead where we can now take care of our multigenerational family. My mom would never have been able to retire early and enjoy her golden years living with us. As a team, we have successfully weathered layoffs, recessions, pandemics, and divisions. What may have broken others has only strengthened us.

I could veer off topic here and talk about how some late bloomers are not ready to be on their own at eighteen…or even thirty, and I was one of them, but I do not think that matters to the point I am trying to make here. It should not matter if you are a late bloomer or face struggles. A multigenerational home should be one where there is no reason needed. Moreover, even if you do not find this style of living right, there should be respect and esteem for homes where multigenerations reside. It should be seen as a symbol of strength, not weakness. I am genuinely thankful for my multigenerational home, even though it is full of people and wild. Even though I am never alone. Even my brother jumped on the bandwagon and joined us here in the deep northern woods of Michigan. My mother-in-law recently moved in down the street from us. We converted our basement into a two-bedroom apartment for our boys. They both know they are welcome to live here, and there is no expiration date on their time here. Because this is their home and will be their home for as long as they want or need it. Having a child with Autism also drives home the importance of a village. I want him never to feel the shame I did living at home until my mid-thirties. I want him to know this is his home and his community.  

I know that not all of us are lucky to have a blood family with whom to shack up. Nevertheless, I encourage those who gravitate to this lifestyle to seek out and create their own family. There are countless stories about friends creating their multi-family living situations and compounds to reap the benefits of village living. The future of this country and the world is highly variable and unknown. There is safety in numbers and strength in the many.

So, during this season of Thanksgiving, gather your family, chosen family, and friends close. Let us learn to lean on each other. Ask for help and lend a hand. Shed the shame and guilt of needing others. Let us build a new American dream where joining together and becoming a community of support and goodwill is not looked down upon.